an introduction...
I am a woman of forty-one years, sharing space in a hundred year old bungalow, with three beautiful children, two adoring dogs and my husband of seventeen years. even though I possess all of the characteristics of the ideal life, I struggle with finding fulfillment. often times I feel exhausted, unappreciated and irritated with those I love most. suffocated by the needs of those around me, I tried various escapes. last one led me to the twelve steps and I couldn't be more grateful for it! still have a long way to go, and hoping to create this sacred space to help me along the way.
my intention...
through my recovery, I have uncovered some of my demons. one of the most influential and darkest of those being my core belief that I am not "good enough". when this feeling was first revealed, I couldn't understand how I had that feeling buried in me. intellectually it didn't make sense, I am an accomplished, educated woman with a beautiful husband, family and network of friends, obviously I was "good enough" so why did these self defeating theme keep popping up?
By chance, I came across an article about Narcissistic personality disorder. As i read through the words, light bulbs kept going off. the traits and characteristics described fit my father to the exact measurement. it was wonderful to finally have a concept that helped me understand my father. Years back I had broken off contact with my dad after an absurd chain of events leading after his missing my son's third birthday party. it was absolute insanity and I no longer wanted him and his wife in my life. I have felt good about that decision but have definitely paid the price of it. systematically he has worked to discredit and out right attack me when around my other siblings and their children. my niece took great pleasure in telling me that my father said I wasn't "good enough" to carry his wife's purse. it hurt but I knew how my father worked. it hurt but solidified my reasoning for staying away. when I read that article years later, it really clarified the situation to me. just recently I read a book called, stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist, by Margalis fjelstad. although I had understood my father's mental illness, I had not thought of how the experiences and effects of growing up with a npd father had shaped me. reading about the role of the caretaker opened yet another door to discovering about myself. allowed me the space to recognize things in myself, that are a direct result of my childhood experience.
my intention with this blog is to use it as a tool to help me process through some of the memories I have with my father and also help process, understand and recover from some of the behaviors I unwittingly took on. This will not be a hateful blog bashing anyone, it will be me purely releasing my secrets and understanding my role as a mom, wife and friend today.